Hello Friends, My name is Dr. Shamanie and I am the co-founder of Relationship Medicine. I want to share an old story from more than 8 years ago that happens to be one the most spiritual experiences of my life.  I think it’s really important for us to share our stories, to share the hope that healing is possible.  Many struggle with relationship stress and health issues and I want you to know that you can and will get through this time.  It’s not always going to be this way. Please read and share with your friends and family who need encouragement too.  We all need each other and the hope that better days are ahead. Have a loving day!

(This was written by Dr. Shamanie in Spring of 2016 2 years post-breast cancer diagnosis and post-divorce.)

 

My name is Shamanie. 2 years ago (2016) I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

I am a Mother.

I am a Doctor of Chiropractic.

I am a Human.

And I have been afraid.

I had every intention to kick Cancer’s butt and get back to my life as usual (typical overachiever). It hasn’t been easy and I’m finding that Cancer had a better plan for me.

Prior to Cancer, I was an overachiever, a perfectionist, a planner. I could get so much done in a day. I thrived on DOING. And I was pretty good at it. One of the surgeries that I had caused complications in my right arm. Every day I have constant pain, weakness, and a moment-to-moment reminder of the Cancer that tried to kill me.

This has affected my ability to work, it’s affected my energy, it’s made me go inward, it’s made me scared. It has created limitations.

6 months after my surgeries were done, and I thought I could GO BACK TO LIFE AS USUAL, after cancer, my oncologist called me on the phone to tell me I had a 67 percent chance of reoccurrence in the next few years. Looking back, just this news, created an aftershock called Fear of Reoccurrence Anxiety (my doctor said this is normal and that most cancer survivors have this at some level.)

These numbers began to invade every thought, every moment. This mere phone call started a FEAR movement in my soul. This last year and a half for me has been life-changing. It forced me to go inward, to face my fear, to find myself, and scour the depths of my soul.

I couldn’t even plan for next week let alone next year. A sadness washed over me, a grief about what I had lost and a possible feeling of loss of my future affected every part of my being. Mortality had taken up residence in my mind, and this realization of my potential “early” ending brought about a soul-searching of intense magnitude.

I had begun to look through a lens of FEAR. I began to really question what the most important thing about life was.

I got off Facebook, I meditated daily, I read books, I listened to my heart, I contemplated the idea that if I was going to die young, I really wanted to LIVE differently. I felt all my feelings. I wanted to experience all of my humanness. I didn’t want to suppress anything. I felt grief. I felt a depth of sadness that I had never felt. I felt joy. I danced. I felt loss of control. I felt anxiety. I felt anger. I felt calm. I felt peace. I felt at ease. I felt pain. I felt struggle. I felt suffering. Needless to say, it’s been a rough couple of years.

Recently, I had this conversation with my partner Christopher. I told him how much fear I was having about dying. He saw this change in me, a once vibrant woman full of LIFE, now a grief-stricken woman paralyzed by FEAR. We continued our conversation about my feelings.

I am so lucky to have a partner willing to go to the DEEPS with me. By getting this out in the open, my thoughts were made free and shared with Chris. The burden that was once only mine to carry, became lighter with Chris sharing it with me. He is a brave man.

“So what if the cancer comes back?” I wondered.

“So what if I die in the next few years?”

“What if this pain never goes away?”

“What if I don’t do what I’m supposed to do here?”

“What if I don’t make amends with people I have conflict with?”

“What if the people I love don’t know that I love them?”

“What if?”

“What if?”

Instead of rejecting these thoughts and fears, He said matter of factly, “Why don’t you just start making decisions based on this idea that you will die young?”

“What???” I said.

For some reason, I thought that sounded like great idea! I don’t exactly know what that means. But I liked the idea. Now I know its because mortality was trying to teach me something.

Most of us think we have all the time in the world, and maybe we do. BUT MAYBE WE DON’T, and if we don’t, would we LOVE differently, would we reach out differently, would we live differently?

These were the questions being asked of me.

He spoke about this topic with me “about me dying” with a relaxed attitude, like he had thought of this before. Almost annoyed, I said, “Chris, why is it so easy for you to talk about me dying?” (this is like you being able to say something bad about your own mama, but when someone else does, you get mad!)

He said, “Shamanie, when you were diagnosed with cancer, I already contemplated that you could die from this…..and I chose to LOVE you anyways and choose to stay with you in this. So I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

I figured if he was willing to put up with the risk….then so was I. In that moment, I decided that I would choose to LOVE me anyways, and choose to stay with me in this too!

 

So I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. This conversation was a turning point for me. Once a week, I would check Facebook.About 2 weeks ago, I happened to stumble upon a story from a man named Brice Royer.

He too had been battling cancer and his story was about how he used Unconditional Love to heal his depression from cancer. His story was just what I needed. His story was a source of inspiration. It was a source of hope. I saw him LIVING instead of being paralyzed by FEAR. And this was the medicine that I was seeking.

Here’s his story:

http://vancouversun.com/news/local-news/brice-gets-his-cancer-results

I felt so inspired by his story that I sent him a Facebook message. (which is a big deal because I am not one to easily ask for help….I’m learning!)

Brice and I shared some conversations on Facebook again. He asked me to write a post with a vision of how it felt to be cancer free on my 65th birthday…..and then we would meet on Facetime. My heart for the first time in a while…held a space for hope!

This was my vision of me on my 65th birthday!

“My name is Shamanie. I’m 65 years young. Every day I have lived since cancer, it has been a gift. I am surrounded by my family, my children, my grandchildren, my friends, and all those whom I love. I am celebrating that I am 27 years cancer-free. I am celebrating and so grateful that cancer woke me up. I am grateful my heart was more excited about living fully alive than living half-dead before cancer! I’m grateful that I chose LIFE and didn’t give up when I felt like it. 27 years earlier I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age of 38. I chose many invasive surgeries and opted out of chemo. Instead I did the Gerson Therapy and many holistic treatments. My oncologist said I had a high chance of reoccurrence and I felt the FEAR of that. This FEAR of dying, of mortality when I was young, it had a chance to paralyze me. I decided to brave it out and truly experience that FEAR and see what it was here to teach me. I am grateful for noticing that under this FEAR was an amazing amount of LOVE. In a vision I had, I was brought to my own funeral. I was speaking at my own funeral. I was saying to everyone I had loved and loved me that this old version of myself…. She was dead. “She” was a maverick, a do-it-yourself kind of girl, she was a perfectionist , a know-it-all, and so full of pride. She was even a martyr. She is dead now. I said at my own funeral. This was what it took to transform me. Cancer had humbled me. Cancer helped me live a life of vulnerability and openness. Cancer helped me get present to BEING instead of DOING. Cancer made me realize that I don’t have to do it myself and go it alone. I learned the lesson of true connection and interdependence. I learned to receive LOVE and I learned to be LOVE. And on May 22, (my two year Canceversary) I gave love for zero $ and  that experience changed my life. I was selling Unconditional Love for free through random acts of kindness. This medicine was added to my protocol and saved my life. My heart had finally busted all the way open. I gave this true kindness out of my knowledge that I was interconnected to everyone. And that the LOVE I gave was equal to the LOVE I got back. I took every chance I had to BE love. And this LOVE was the balm for my soul, its purpose was to heal, and so it was. As I stand in the presence of my family, with the scars of this journey, I feel what an absolute blessing it has been, to have lived, to suffer, to have learned, and to have been LOVE and received it.”

Doing this exercise shifted my mind. It took me out of the prison of FEAR that I had been in and moved me to write about my Future, of possibility, of healing. I wept as I wrote this. I read it to my mama the next day. She wept. We wept together.

This exercise in and of itself, was simple and yet so powerful. So meaningful. To also connect with someone who was in the same ring with the Giant as me, also felt hopeful to me. I felt like if he can do it, I can do it too! We truly are all in this together.

I started “planning” for my future. I started having HOPE again. What was to take place I had no idea what was coming.

Brice and I had a Facetime meeting. We talked and connected. I told him a vision that I had when I was experiencing FEAR. The message of that Vision was that the LOVE we give is equal to the LOVE we get. He was inspired by my story and I was grateful to be able to share that with him.

The next day Brice wrote to me and gave me an idea of how to do my first RANDOM ACTS OF KINDESS project . I decided to call this project: The LOVE Experiment.

He told me to make a sign:

I AM GIVING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR $0 TO HEAL MY FEAR OF CANCER.

 

I was to hold this sign up at a public place and then give out unconditional love.

I decided to make LOVE receipts (his idea) with words of encouragement on them.

 

My daughter Lilia helped me make the sign. My kids helped me come up with kind words to say. I had initially decided to find a street corner near my church in Colorado. After the service, I would stand with that sign, and I would give unconditional love for $0.

I texted my sister, Fatima, the day before and asked if she would be there with me. She said Yes and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without her.

After church, Fatima had the idea to go to City Park in Denver. She said there was a festival and so a lot of people would be there. I said YES.

My three kids and I arrived at the park first. It was a beautiful and sunny day in Colorado. The park was bursting forth with new life and people started gathering for this festival. I got my sign and my Love receipts ready. Immediately I felt a sense of anxiety, of intimidation, of what do I think I am doing here?

I wanted to fold my sign up and hide back in the car, and sit with my fear again. I didn’t want to reveal to the world, that I had been in so much fear. Holding this sign up felt vulnerable, felt like a nakedness I had never experienced. I didn’t know how this was going to work. But I gave it all that I had. The first people I approached was two young adult men. They were sitting on a bench and well I thought it would be harder for them to reject me because they would have to get up and then walk away! So with my daughters encouragement, I walked up to them and this is what I said.

I held open my sign for them to read. I said:

“I do not want anything from you. I am a recent breast cancer survivor. My doctor says I have a high chance of reoccurrence. I have been living in fear about this. I believe Love Cures Fear, so I am doing random acts of kindness today. I am wondering if you will receive a Word of Encouragement from me?”

I held out the 40 receipts so they could pick a random word of encouragement.  Their faces went from confused to curious. I then read their special Word of Encouragement to them. Their faces turned to a gentle smile, the one man, stood up and gave me a hug. He told me he would pray for me.

I felt less afraid in that moment.

The next family I approached, was a mom, dad and two children. I held my sign open. I said the same thing. The mother’s card read: “You’re beautiful.” And she was. Her face accepted the words. I then read one to the father and the children were giddy to get their special words! They gave me high fives and big giant hugs!

I walked away from them feeling more Love filling the spaces where Fear had invaded. As I walked toward my children, the little boy ran toward me…….I turned around.

I met him at his level.

He said in a bated breath, “My family will be praying for you.” I gave him a hug and said THANK YOU.

He left giddy, his face lit up as if he knew he was part of a MIRACLE HAPPENING.

I walked back to my kids. “Did you see that”? I said in awe. My heart was filling up, giving and receiving LOVE.

At this point, my sister approached me. I had the sign rolled up, still feeling hesitant about holding it straight out there. She suggested I hold the sign bravely and walk into the crowd. I literally said I can’t do that. It feels too vulnerable. I’m scared of rejection. What if no one comes up to me? I felt a huge sense of intimidation roll over me. I was surprised at how hard this was to actually do.

My sister took the sign and offered to hold it for me. She helped me. I could not have done this without her help. They bravely held the sign for me, walking toward the crowd. I had a total of 40 Love Receipts. I said the same thing to each person.

And EVERY SINGLE PERSON that I gave love to….OFFERED IT BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY. The hugs I received that day, felt like a POWERUP like when Super Mario Brothers gets extra strength. Most people said, “Thank you for the words. I needed to hear that today. “And then they often would say the word of encouragment back to me.

High fives!

Big Giant Hugs!

Everyone was smiling who was a part of this; So the rest of the story I will tell in photos.

 

After this, my heart felt THREE TIMES LARGER. I literally felt my heart’s energy OUTSIDE OF MY BODY!

And where fear had been…love was.

Because of that…I was able to step into a critical and much needed place of FORGIVENESS which was necessary for my healing. 

JOIN ME ON MY NEXT BLOG WHERE GIVING LOVE TO OTHERS OPENED MY HEART AND PUT ME ON THE PATH OF HEALING THROUGH THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS…

I would love to hear from you!  Leave me a comment below.